Life without you
by LauraBx
Summary: What if Lily actually had been seriously ill, could they cope... NJBC, Set during season 3.
1. Chapter 1

Placing her phone by the side of her, she just sat there in shock at the news she had just received from Nate, as a tear fall along her face.

Feeling more just seeping from her eye, she didn't know what to do first. She knew Chuck more than anyone, even though they had split up... She knew she had to go and see him. It made sense that he was pushing everyone anyway and denying the truth as to what was really happening.

He hadn't seen her in weeks, not since they diagnosed her...but this was it, she was going, he needed to see her. Blair knew he would regret it if he didn't, but as much as everyone else had tried, he said he was better off at the empire...alone.

Jumping out of bed and grabbing her phone as she placed it in her purse. She knew she had to do this, slipping on her black Jimmy Choo heels she made her way downstairs "Dorota" Blair yelled walking downstairs as quickly as she could.

"Yes Miss Blair?" Dorota said rushing to the bottom to greet her.

"I need a car outside immediately" She let out as the maid just nodded before rushing off.

Pulling up outside the empire, she just gazed at it though her window for a moment. Taking in a long deep breath she opened the door, staring up to Chuck's penthouse window before breathing out trying to calm her nerves.

Seeing the elevator doors open to his suite, she walked out her eyes instantly meeting his figure as he lay there on the couch.

Rolling his head to face her with a champagne glass in his hand "Morning Gorgeous...there's still some left for you." he said gesturing towards a bottle on the table before taking a sip of champagne.

"No I'm fine thank you" Blair said looking at the countless bottles of champagne and wine discarded on the table. Taking in the undeniable stench of alcohol she walked in closer taking a seat on the arm rest. "Even though we've broken up and frankly I have no interest in knowing what you're doing or who you're sleeping with, but we both know why you're doing it. I can't sit here and watch you avoid Lily..."

"I'm actually really busy with work and I promise you everyone's not sitting around wondering when they're going to hear from the infamous Chuck Bass." He interrupted sarcastically.

"You can justify not seeing Lily as much as you want but you and I both know what's really going on here. You've lost Bart, Elizabeth betrayed you and the thought of losing Lily has terrified you. You're pushing everyone away that's there for you, so you don't have to face what's really going on. Nate rang me... This is it Chuck, she's going. You need to be there to say goodbye" Blair said watching Chuck pour himself another drink, but stopping suddenly as she finished.

"She's going..." he said mouth wide open clearly upset and shocked.

Downing his drink in one, he poured himself another, downing that instantly too, as he began pouring another one.

Why isn't it easing the pain? Why does it _still_ feel like someone's ripping my heart out piece by piece? He thought to himself as he eyes began filling.

Seeing him clearly distraught, she walked over kneeling down next to him. Pushing and holding the bottom of his glass down, she stared up at him sympathetically holding onto his knee.

Still holding onto the glass, his eyes began fixating on the other edge of the table...before letting out a stuttered breath as tears fell from his eyes. Unable to hold back what he had tried so hard to keep in, he began crying leaning forward as the pain in his chest became unbearable.

Taking a seat next to him, Blair just held him tightly into her shoulder feeling the pain he was in.

**To be continued?**


	2. Chapter 2

Walking up to the door he took in a deep breath, bracing himself for what he was about to walk back into.

Reluctantly Nate walked in gazing over to her...she was broken, completely and utterly broken. Looking down from her bloodshot eyes he could see the grip on Lily's hand had become even tighter. Doing the only thing that he felt he could do...just be there for her. Taking a seat on the arm rest he held Serena's hand tightly, gripping it for a moment so she knew he was there.

Knowing he was there meant so much, but she couldn't look up, she needed to take any lasting moments of her mother as much as she could. Even though she didn't look like she used to now, it reminded her so much of how strong and full of courage she had been the past 7 months.

Watching her fight though the chemotherapy, operations and the after effects, had made her appreciate everything she had done. Regardless of some of the horrible things and arguments they had shared, nothing meant more to her than being here with her. Seeing her slowly deteriorate after the news was hard, unbelievably so but they all grew to accept it for what it was.

As the door opened she could see in the corner of her eye it was Chuck and Blair.

Walking in Blair held on tightly to his arm, looking up at him as his eyes meet Lily, lying there motionless. Standing there he couldn't believe what he was seeing, how could he lose the only person who accepted him as her own and loved him dearly despite it. Opening his mouth slightly he breathed out shakily, swallowing the lump stuck in his throat as he looked heartbroken at what was left of her.

Unaware of some of the eyes gazing at him, Chuck continued to be hit back at the site he was witnessing. Even though he hadn't seen her in 2 months, he didn't think she could have ended up like this. Feeling guilty for ignoring and pushing her away, as well as everyone else Rufus walked up to him just relieved and glad he finally came. He knew Chuck meant a lot to Lily and she would have wanted him here for her final few moments or at least say goodbye.

Pulling him into a hug, Chuck was unable to take his eyes away from Lily as she became slightly blurred. Releasing the grip from around Chucks neck, he made his way back to her side and after a slight encouragement from Blair, Chuck followed.

As Rufus stood beside Eric who had hold of her other hand, Chuck just looked down from her gaunt face, placing a hand on her knee rubbing it softly as more tears formed in his eyes before glancing back up at her.

"I'm going to start on dinner" Rufus whispered to Eric, before gesturing to Dan and Jenny to leave.

Placing her hand back onto the bed, Eric got up from his seat walking to the chair across from Lily leaving Chuck to show her how he felt.

Looking down at her hand he placed his hand on it softly, gripping it slightly before placing a kiss on her forehead sweetly as two tears made their way across his face. Unable to take the pressure and feeling more and more suffocated in her room, he turned around and left in a hurry.

"I'll go" Nate said as he left Serena's side and rushed off after him.

As the door shut behind her, Blair made her way over to Serena sitting on the arm rest. Sitting there she placed her arm across her shoulder, looking over to Lily.

"Thanks for persuading Chuck to come and see my mum B" Serena said looking up at her smiling slightly.

"I didn't need to persuade him...part of him was just too scared to" Blair admitted.

"Yeah, but he wouldn't have come if it wasn't for you." Serena said as Blair looked down, realising how true that was. "You're the only person he would listen to and do anything for" Serena added.

"Yeah" Blair replied almost whispering in realisation.

Watching her mother, Serena suddenly noticed her awkward breath and nothing... All paused in silence they glanced over, willing her to take another breath.

After what felt like years staring at her she took in one last breath and that was it, nothing followed.

Eric was in shock, he didn't know what to do but leave... Tell Rufus, tell anyone, he couldn't believe what he just laid his eyes upon and witnessed.

"Oh my god" Serena let out with an unsteady breath and began filling up as Eric walked out of the room and left.

Blair pulling her into a tight hug managed to utter in her ear as she started to cry with her "I'm so sorry S".

Finally releasing the grip of her mother's hand she put her arms around Blair as she completely broke down in her best friends arms. She was shaking, absolutely broken hearted and aching in pain. Blair rested her head on Serena's shoulder, brushing her hair back crying silently as she looked over at Lily.

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><p>I didnt get much feedback from the first chapter, so decided to follow with a second to see if anyone wants me to continue with the story... So let me know what you think xo<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

"She..." Eric uttered in shock as his eyes began filling up.

"Eric, what's wrong?" Rufus asked concerned as Nate walked towards the stairs.

"She's dead" he managed to stomach, still not quiet believing what happened.

Nate ran up the stairs, dreading to think of the state Serena must be in. Looking over at them both he knew instantly, that he would remember this image for the rest of his life. It killed him to see how much pain Serena was in and seeing Blair holding her best friend trying to calm her, really touched him. He couldn't even imagine how much pain she was in or what she was going through, but he knew he had to be there for her.

"Serena" Nate whispered walking over to them both as she turned her head to face him.

"She's...She's gone Nate" Serena uttered in between crying.

"I know, I'm sorry" He replied pulling her into his arms tightly.

"Nate, where's Chuck?" Blair interrupted concerned.

"Sorry Blair, I didn't catch him in time. He was pulling away in his limo when I caught up with him" Nate replied

"Come on, let's get you to your room" He added helping Serena out of the room leaving Blair all alone.

Blair smiled slightly as she looked on as Nate helping a truly broken Serena to her room. She couldn't help but feel Chuck was still hurting and it truly amazed her how she could to. It had taken a lot for him to muster up the courage to come and say goodbye to Lily and clearly it had gotten too much for him.

Glancing over at her, Blair felt it was only right to say her goodbye too. Lily was practically her second mother. Placing a kiss on her cheek as Blair's eyes glistened with tears "Goodbye Lily" She let out smiling sweetly at her, as Rufus walked over.

"Oh Lil" He said as he started brushing hair away from her face. "Can't believe you've gone, you meant the world to me...I love you so much and will remember you...always" Rufus let out breaking down into tears, he places his hands on her cheeks pulling her in to place one last kiss on her lips. Pulling away he rubbed his hand on her cheek before sitting beside her to cry, looking on Blair cried with him.

It was so beautiful to see someone love someone so much even given the circumstances.

Leaving the Van Der Woodsen's she couldn't quite believe what had happened in the space of a couple of hours... She needed to find Chuck, if she knew anything about Chuck, he would be pushing himself into complete darkness away from what was really going on.

* * *

><p>It had taken Nate awhile but he had finally calmed her down, lying on the bed beside her he rested her head against his chest. "Thanks for being here with me Nate" Serena said moving closer into him, feeling the warmth and comfort of his chest.<p>

"I'm always here for you, no matter what happens. I'm just sorry I wasn't there when she..."

"No I know, but your here now and I love you even more for it" She said raising her head up and kissing him.

"I love you to" He said sweetly as he combed her hair away from her face.

"I'm really glad I don't have to be alone tonight."

"Get some sleep" Nate said smiling as he pulled the covers over and wrapped his arm around her. Holding her close to him, he wanted to wait for her drift off to sleep before him. It had been a really emotional day for her so it wasn't long before she drifted off to sleep. Watching her as she slowly started to fall sleep, he wondered if she would ever be the same again.

Staying awake with his own thoughts for a moment, he soon fell asleep to.

* * *

><p>Lying there on the edge of the building looking up at the stars, it always seemed to calm him. It reminded him so much of his childhood where he used to look up at the stars and imagine his mother looking down on him. Being up high and looking over the beautiful New York skyline to gather his thoughts, it was always a place of solitude to him. With one hand supporting his head, the other clenched onto a bottle of vodka tightly.<p>

Taking a sip, he took in a long deep breath and sighed out. Feeling the warmth of the vodka flow though his body and the fresh air filling his lungs he felt completely at peace... as memories of him and Lily came flooding back.

_"Please don't turn away from the people that love you there the only chance any of us has, and your father never learned that... I hope that you do."_

"Chuck..." a whisper uttered to the side of him, snapping him away from his memories of Lily. Hearing his name and feeling her sudden presence, he knew instantly who it was without having to turn his head.

"Blair"

"I went to your penthouse to see if you were there. Then I remembered your love for rooftops... and how it's always a place to find you when your upset" Blair said walking over to him slowly.

"I just came to see if you were okay, clearly I was right to be worried" she added looking over to the half empty bottle of vodka in his hand.

"Care to join me?" He offered, moving his bottle towards her as he sat up with his right foot dangling over the edge.

"No I'm fine thank you, but I'm not leaving till I know you're back downstairs safe" Blair said taking a seat next to him as he shrugged, taking another swig of vodka he laid back down. As they sat there in silence for a few moments, Blair took off her shoes and sat on the edge just behind him.

Chuck finally broke the silence "Do you remember when we were younger, and we would stay up late looking out at the stars... and imagine what could be out there for us?"

Smiling as she thought back to the times she Chuck, Nate and Serena would stay up late at the Hamptons in the summer looking out at the stars. Sighing she replies "Yeah and wondering if all our dreams would come true"

"Have they?" Chuck asked still gazing up at them as Blair looks down at him.

"Sort of" She replied flicking her eyes up slightly, wondering how he could have made them all come true.

"Being up here with my own thoughts, I've realised something" Chuck said taking another swig of vodka as he rests his head in Blair's lap.

"What?"

"I've lost everything..." he began as Blair looked down at him slightly distraught at what he just said.

"Everyone I've ever cared about is gone, Elizabeth, my father, lily...even you. I destroyed the only thing I've ever loved. I thought our love was strong enough to overcome anything...but I was wrong." Chuck admitted taking a long swig of vodka.

"Chuck we may not be together anymore but that doesn't mean I'm not here for you. Now come on, let's go back downstairs." She replied as she slipped her shoes back on and raised her hand for him to take.

Sitting up he looked over to her for a moment. He still loved her, unbelievably so and could feel she felt the same way to.

Taking her hand he pulled her into a tight hug, feeling her skin against his she was so cold. Taking off his jacket he put it around her "Here take this your freezing"

Lily was right with what she had said to him the night of his dads funeral and it only reiterated that fact right now. Blair was there for him like no one else had ever been before and here she was doing the exact same thing again. Even after all the hurt he had caused her, nothing stopped her from caring for him.

He just needed to show her he felt the same and hopefully she would forgive him with time, he thought to himself as they made their way downstairs to his penthouse.

* * *

><p>"Take a seat I'll go make you a cup of coffee to warm yourself up" Chuck said walking off towards the kitchen.<p>

As she walked in the shine of the moonlight was bouncing off of something on his shelf, moving closer to see what it was she started smiling sweetly at it. It was a photo of her and Chuck together which he had insisted on putting up when they got together, she just assumed he had taken it down.

Taking it in her hand, she began staring intently at it. It was taken a few months previous at Lily and Rufus' wedding, just looking at it she could see how undeniably happy they both were.

Walking around the corner he could see Blair staring at the photo smiling. Just standing there for a moment he couldn't help but look at her, she looked so happy.

"Great night wasn't it?" he said walking over and handing her a cup of coffee.

"Yeah, it really was. Surprised you haven't taken it down already."

"Why? We look amazing together. We look so in love and unbelievably happy" He said as she placed the photo back down taking a seat on the couch. She couldn't help but feel he was so right about it all, but she was still hurting from what had happened.

"Wow, Chuck Bass can make a good cup of coffee" Blair announced shocked, trying to change the subject as Chuck laughed at the comment.

"You warm enough? I'm sorry I kept you up there for so long"

"Yeah I'm fine now thank you and I just wanted to make sure your okay"

"I know, I've never said it before but I really appreciate you being here for me" He said taking a seat next to her. She just smiled, trying warming her hands up with the cup of coffee.

"Blair..." Chuck began placing his hand on her thigh. "Please we've got to get past this, because I love you" He said staring into her dark brown eyes.

Closing her eyes for a moment, she tried to hold back the tears that were building up. Taking in a deep breath trying to calm down before she burst into tears, he placed his hand to her cheek... pulling her in for a kiss.

"Chuck, Stop!" She snapped standing up almost immediately. "I can't do this... I have to go" Blair placed the cup down and began to walk away, until Chuck grabbed her hand stopping her instantly.

Closing her eyes, she couldn't bare hearing anything else he had to say... it hurt too much.

"Please Blair...I love you. The only thing that's ever been real is me and you" He begged as she snapped her hand back.

"Goodbye Chuck" She said walking away to the elevator, not wanting to turn back and look at him.

Watching her walk away, Chuck looked on completely devastated.

As the elevator doors closed she began to cry, not able to hold it in anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Opening his eyes, he just stared at the ceiling trying to remember everything that happened yesterday. Lily had passed and it killed him to think that she was finally gone, she was his mother. Not biologically, but she was the only parent figure that had truly cared for him.

Lying there trying to gather his thoughts he could hear the noise of the elevator open, jumping out of bed, he grabbed a T-shirt and threw it on.

Walking out, he could see her standing there looking out of the window.

"Blair..." He began as he walked over to her. "I'm so glad you came back I..."

"I'm not here to see you Chuck, I just came to drop off your jacket you gave me" She interrupted as she placed the jacket onto the chair and looked up at him slowly. Her eyes instantly meet his gaze, as he looked at her with nothing but desperation in his eyes.

Staring at him intently it became clear to her that he had clearly just woken up. His hair was all spiked up messy and all he was wearing were a pair of black boxers and a white unbuttoned T-Shirt. Just looking at him dressed like that, reminded her of so many times they had woken up together. When all he would do was put on a shirt, as he went and ordered them some breakfast, even then she was so attracted to him.

Unable to take the silence anymore, Chuck spoke up "I'm sorry about last night, but I meant every word I said to you"

"I have to go" Blair replied as she instantly looked to the floor about to leave.

"Blair please, how can I fix this"

"You can't" Blair uttered before trying to walk away as Chuck stood in front of her.

"It's not over between us Blair I know you can feel it to. It's more undeniable as ever"

"It's over Chuck" Blair let out pushing his hands away from touching her as she walked away.

Turning his head to look over his shoulder, he looked on as she walked away and left.

As the elevator doors closed, he looked to the floor devastated as the words "It's over Chuck" began ringing in his ear.

* * *

><p>"Serena, Serena!" Nate yelled in a concerning voice.<p>

As she leapt forward suddenly, she was shaking uncontrollably as tears fell from her face.

"You okay?" Nate said resting her back down into bed.

"Yeah, just had a bad dream" she let out with stuttered breath, clearly shaken up as tears continued to fall from her eyes.

"You sure..." Nate asked looking at her concerned.

"You really scared me then" he added looking over at her.

"I'm fine" Serena replied as she rested her head on the pillow looking to the wall.

"Serena, look at me what's wrong" He said as he placed his hand on her arm.

"Nothing, I'm fine, can't you just leave it alone" She snapped jumping out of bed.

"No. Not when its making you this upset"

"I'm not upset Nate!" "Clearly you are Serena. Your mother died yesterday, it's okay to feel upset"

"Don't tell me how to feel Nate, I'm fine. Just leave me alone"

"Serena I want to be here for you" He said knelt down onto the bed looking at her.

"Well maybe i don't want you to be here" She replied as tears continued to fall from her face.

"What?" Nate asked confused. "I don't want you here."

"Serena you don't mean that"

"I do, just go Nate" Serena said looking away from him.

"Serena please, you don't have to push me away."

"I'm not, just leave please"

"Why?"

"Because I'm asking you to, Nate just go, I don't want you here"

"Well I'm asking you why, what's gotten you this upset that you feel the need to push me away"

"Nothing, I just don't love you anymore" She said looking over at him as he looked at her confused.

"What...you don't love me anymore. Why are you saying this to me?"

"It's the truth. I've been feeling like this for awhile, it's just not the same between us" Serena said, still clearly upset.

"How can you say that, I've been there for you though everything that's happened recently and I wouldn't change it for the world...It's brought us together and I understand that you're hurting but please, don't push me away in spite of it." Nate said as he looked at Serena who wasn't saying a word as she continued to cry.

"Ok I'll go. But I don't believe you...I know you still love me. No matter what happens, I'll be there for you at the funeral tomorrow. But just remember that I love you and you can't push me away, not now" Nate said as he took his clothes and left.

Seeing him finally leave she put her hands to her face, taking in a deep breath and sighing.

As another tear fell from the face, she walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Looking at herself in the mirror she couldn't even recognise the person looking back at her. Her whole body ached from the loss and pain it was unlike anything she had ever experienced before. It was as if someone had just ripped off her arm and she couldn't work properly without it.

Splashing water on her face for a moment, she looked back up at the mirror. It hurt so much and she couldn't find any relief for it, part of her had died inside. As the water fell from her face, tears began to fall to.

On the verge of breaking down she fell to the floor and sat against the bath with her head in her hands. She knew she had hurt Nate by what she had said to him but she didn't want him around while she was like this, he couldn't fix it... No matter what he said, it wasn't helping ease the pain she was feeling inside. She had to try and get on with it, but she had no idea how she was going to.

Taking the toilette bag into her hand, she had to sort herself out and try and at least look and feel human again. Placing her hand into the bag she rummaged though it, trying to find her cleanser she slices her finger on her razor. "Ahhh" Serena lets out flinching and looking down at her finger.

As the blood seeped though the cut, she felt the pain finally ease at the physical pain she felt increase. Finally letting out a sigh of relief, she finally felt her pain go slightly. Taking her razor in her hand she looked down at it. Am i seriously about to do this? She asked herself. It seemed like the only way she could finally ease all the hurt and pain she was in.

Turning to see her inner left arm, she moved the razor closer shaking slightly. Taking in a deep breath she made a small but slightly deep cut on her arm, as the pain of it increased she could feel the built up pain inside of her ease, it was such a relief. Lying back against the bath she let out a long deep breath as she finally felt at peace.

Looking down at her arm, the blood was trickling down her arm and dripping onto the floor. Grabbing a towel, she held it against her arm trying to stop the bleeding.

Taking her hand away for a moment, it was still bleeding. Folding the towel in half she began to wrap it around her arm so it was tight, hoping the bleeding would subside.

Lying back to gather her thoughts about what she had just done, she knew she would do it again as it was such a relief to finally feel normal again as sick as it sounded in her head.

* * *

><p>Having taken a shower and a much needed shave, he walked over to his jacket.<p>

Picking it up and bringing it to his face, he began to take in her heavenly scent. With his one hand he began searching though his pockets, wondering if she had left anything behind.

Going into the inside pocket, there it still was. The Harry Winston engagement ring he had bought for her when they first started dating.

He knew she was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and couldn't wait to either. He imagined them getting married and having kids, and that just coming into Chuck Bass's head of all people, he knew she was the one.

From the moment he seen her on stage dancing for him, he instantly fell in love. From that night on, he had loved her more and more by each day and nothing had changed that, not even now.

It was always Blair and no one else compared to her in his eyes, he had to win her back.

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><p>Bit Dark i know, but the next chapter wont be. I promise! Chapter 5 might be the last one, depending on how much i write, not to sure yet. Hope you enjoyed it anyway, let me know your Positive or Negative feedback!<p> 


	5. Chapter 5

Leaning against the bar, he began swirling the golden liquid around in its glass.

Staring at the time it was still too early to be drinking, but just the thought of having to bury Lily today was too much. Downing it in one, he poured himself another. Taking a seat at his bar, he cupped the glass into his hands and began looking down at it.

"Hey man, you okay?" Nate asked walking into the room as he fixed his tie.

"Yeah" he replied as he rested his head against his right hand, looking over at him.

"You sure" he asked as Chuck just nodded. "Why the face, I know its Lily funeral today but...I can tell there's something more going on"

"Blair, she's been there for me though out all this. Yet I can't seem to get her to forgive me" Chuck replied.

"Well maybe that's it, maybe she won't. Maybe it's time for you to forget about her...and move on with your life." Nate said before walking away back into his room, leaving Chuck sitting there thinking about it.

* * *

><p>Slipping on her black Dior dress Blair made her way into Serena's room.<p>

"Serena, are you ready?" She asked as she opened the door, looking around her room there she was just curled up on the chair. Blair froze for a moment as she looked at her best friend, as she sat there looking to the floor completely paralyzed.

"Come on, we have to go" she said walking over to her, as Serena didn't even blink.

"Serena I'm going to be here for you ok, no matter what. You're my sister and nothing will ever change that" She said kneeling down to look at her as she held her hands.

"Nothing means more to me than being here for you" Blair added smiling up at her slightly, as Serena looked at her and nodded.

Pulling her out of her chair and into a hug, she began brushing her hair back.

"Thanks B" Serena uttered as a tear fell.

"Hey look at me, we're going to get though this together ok" She said cupping Serena's face to look at her, as Serena nodded and smiled slightly.

"I'm just going to grab my shoes and find out where Nate is. Are you going to be okay?"

"I'll be fine" Serena replied as she reached down and put her Miu Miu heels on. Looking to her left arm, she pulled the sleeves down on her dress, covering her scars.

"There downstairs waiting" Blair yelled from her room as she walked back in.

Walking downstairs and making their way into the limo, the atmosphere was awkward at the very least.

Chuck sat by the window looking out at the busy streets, seeing people walking off ready for work. It was grey and gloomy outside, which was pretty fitting for the occasion he thought to himself. Moving his head slowly to the left of him, his eyes caught Nate's hand trying to hold Serena's before she flicked her hand away from his and onto her lap.

Continuing to move his head slowly up, he caught Blair looking over at him before she looked away again. It was going to be a very long day, he thought to himself as "It's over Chuck" hit him again like a ton of bricks. Maybe Nate was right with what he had said to him, maybe he had to finally move on from her, as much as he didn't want to...maybe he was right.

Leaning forward, he grabbed a bottle of scotch. "Want a drink Nathaniel?" Chuck asked grabbing two glasses as he nodded. Pouring them both, he sat back against his seat taking a sip as he continued to look out at the window.

Leaning across Blair grabbed the bottle herself, pouring her and Serena a glass of scotch each as well. The scene catching the corner of Chuck's eyes he just looked over at her and laughed slightly. Neither of them liked scotch, she was clearly trying to prove a point to him.

Unable to take the tension anymore, they had to move past this. They were the Non Judging Breakfast Club for god sakes they had been friends since they were little. Nate thought to himself.

"To Lily" He said raising his glass as he looked at all of them.

"To Lily" Chuck said looking directly at Blair.

"To Lily" Blair and Serena said simultaneously as Blair just glared back at Chuck. Bringing their glasses towards them they all took a sip, as Chuck and Blair continued to stare at each other. Chuck smirked as he watched her flinch at the taste, he looked away to the window as the rain started to pour and trickle along it.

Arriving at the Church, it still continued to rain heavily.

As they all exited the limo they were greeted by Rufus and Cece as more people arrived. Sitting at the front of the church they all prepared themselves for the service.

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><p>The service was a true testament to Lily as loads of people showed up to mourn her passing. It was fair to say everyone cried, laughed and remembered her for everything that she was. Leaving the Church everyone made their way to the Van Der Woodsen's penthouse, to continue the celebration of Lily's life.<p>

"Ugh I need a drink" Chuck exclaimed, brushing the rain off his suit jacket.

"Think we all do" Nate said walking on after him with Blair and Serena.

Grabbing a flute of champagne each they all took a seat at the table.

"You okay S?" Blair whispered as she looked over and grabbed her hand.

"Yeah, it was hard but you all managed to help me get through it. I'm so glad you were all there for me"

"Of course, where always here for you" Nate said as Blair and Chuck both nodded.

"He's right we're your best friends, nothing will ever change that. Now I say we could all do with another drink" Chuck said glancing down at everyone's empty glasses.

"Excuse me waitress" Serena said leaning forward trying to get her attention, tapping on her shoulder she finally turned around.

Grabbing them all another glass, she sat back in her seat and pulled her sleeve's back properly. Looking round she wondered if any of them had noticed her scars. Looking over to Chuck he was clearly shocked as he glanced to Blair and Nate who were just as shocked.

"Serena what's happened, why do you have scars on your wrists?" Chuck asked hesitantly.

"It's nothing"

"Doesn't seem like nothing to me, who did this to you? If you need our help, it's okay"

"It's nothing Chuck, I don't need your help and it's none of your business" She snapped trying to get up from her seat before Chuck pushed her back down.

"Look...I understand that Lily passing was tough on you, but please don't push us away. If you need medical help, we will be there for you no matter what."

"It's not like that"

"Then what?"

"It's...it's just...nothing, just drop it Chuck" she let out, clearly getting upset as she pushed his hands away from her.

"I'll go" Nate said getting up out of his seat.

"No, let me" Blair said standing up and going after her.

"Did you know about this Nathaniel?"

"No of course not, do you really think I could watch my girlfriend hurt herself like that and sit back and do nothing, while she continues to self harm."

"No I'm sorry, was such a shock you know?" he replied as Nate nodded and they both took a sip of champagne.

* * *

><p>"Serena, you in here?" Blair asked as walked into her room and then walking off into her bathroom.<p>

Walking in, Serena rested her head against the wall, still clearly upset. Taking a seat next to her, Blair just looked at her for a moment trying to think of what to say.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"How could I B? I'm so ashamed of myself"

"You don't have to be...I get it"

"No, no you don't, you don't get it Blair" Serena snapped back as tears fell along her face.

"I understand why you're doing this to yourself...trust me I know"

"No you don't, everyone thinks I'm having a breakdown and that I'm suicidal...But I'm not!"

"I'm not just anyone Serena I'm your best friend. I understand the feeling of not being in control of your emotions and feeling trapped by them and by what's going on around you"

"It's more than that..."

"Then tell me...you were there for me and now I'm here for you"

Putting her head back against the wall she began "It's going to sound crazy but watching my mum suffer all those months and then to die right in front of me...was truly heartbreaking" As two tears fell from her face she continued. "I'm not sorry for that, I'm glad I was there when she... but I can't stop thinking about her"

"Your allowed to Serena... she was your mother and nothing will ever change that"

"No I know but I can't get rid of it, it keeps replaying in my mind and I become so overwhelmed by it at times. It's like the pain builds and builds and crying or breaking down just won't ease it. I feel like I've got to physically feel it, like my heart aching won't be enough. I need to do this to ease the pain...as if I do it and the blood is the pain pouring away from inside of me" She lets out so relieved to finally tell someone as she breaks down.

Holding her in her arms she begins trying to sooth her. "Hey its okay I'm here for you now, are you still doing it?"

"No, I'm so embarrassed I've pushed Nate away and everyone else around me. I couldn't tell him how I was truly feeling."

"He will understand Serena"

"How can you be so sure"

"Because he loves you and he wants to be there for you no matter what. Even now after you've pushed him away...just tell him how you feel" Blair replied wiping away Serena's tears as she nodded.

"I will. Thanks for not judging me by the way" She said smiling.

"You don't have to say thank you Serena. I'm just glad we found out before you really hurt yourself. I don't know what I would do if I lost you"

"You won't, you will never lose me" Serena replied smiling as she hugged Blair tightly.

"I love you S"

"I love you too B"

Leaving her room, she walks off and tells Nate to go and see her.

Walking into her bathroom he just stops at the door and looks at her "Blair told me to come and see you"

"I know, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am"

"For what?" Nate asked walking over and sitting beside her.

"Everything, for pushing you away when you were there for me, telling you I didn't love you anymore when I did"

"Why, did you?"

"I pushed you away because, I didn't want to you see me like that. I didn't want to tell you the darkest thoughts I kept having that were making me become so overwhelmed. I thought it was easier for you to think I didn't love you anymore, than to see what was really going on inside my head."

"You don't have to pretend with me, I knew it was a lie but what could I do. You told me to leave you in spite of me wanting to stay. I love you, and I want to share a bed with you again, even if that just means holding your hand as I watch you fall asleep." He said taking her hands and smiling sweetly at her.

"Really, you'll forgive me"

"Of course" He said leaning forward and kissing her sweetly.

* * *

><p>"I'm going. Do you want a lift home?"<p>

"Yes, thank you" Blair replied.

Getting out of his seat, he places his suit jacket back on and walks towards the lift with Blair.

"I have a meeting in the morning, how come you want to leave so soon?"

"It's just been an emotional day, could do with some time on my own" Blair replied as Chuck just nodded, getting into the elevator together.

"Do you think Serena and Nate will work it out?"

"Yeah, they have to. They both love each other and her pushing him away while she was hurting, just shows how much she cares for him. It shouldn't come between them."

"Should anything, ever come between two people that love each other so much...that it breaks them up?" Chuck asked referring to him and Blair, as Blair stood there and thought about it for a moment, the elevator doors opened as she walked out she replied "I guess not"

Taking in what she said he follows after to her and enters the limo with her.

Brushing his dripping wet hair back he looks over at her "What's stopping us then Blair. I'm not going to sit here and let you do this. Blair, I'm in love with you"

"So" She replies looking out as the rain pours down.

"So, so what, you're going to sit there and tell me you don't feel the same. I love you, we belong together Blair there's no denying that."

"We don't belong together Chuck"

"Of course we do...all I want to do is love you."

"No, no you don't. You may have done but you don't anymore. We dont belong to anybody and nobody belongs to us, we don't even belong to each other."

"Arthur, pull over" Chuck said getting out of the limo and into the rain.

"Do you know what's wrong with you Blair, you're a coward to admit that we did fall in love and still are. People do belong to each other because that's the only chance anyone has got at true happiness. Clearly my one moment of bad judgment is worth throwing away everything we have and had, worked so hard to get to where we were."

He says taking a moment before continuing "I just want you to know how truly sorry I am for hurting you, and wasting your time. Here I've been carrying this thing around for months, I don't want it anymore" He says throwing the box at her and slamming the door shut before walking off into the rain.

Holding back the tears, she opens the box slowly looking down at the most beautiful thing she has ever seen. Everything about it is perfect she thought to herself looking down at the Harry Winston engagement ring.

Taking it out of the box she plays with it between her fingers wondering if Chuck was right, could she forgive him and have the happiness she has always wanted. He was right she loved him and hadn't stopped. But could they no longer hurt each other and move on from the pain, he clearly loved her enough to buy an engagement ring for her, all those months ago.

Slipping the ring on her finger, it fit perfectly making Blair realise she had made a mistake. He knew her more than anyone and the ring just proved it to her, wiping the tears from her face she got out of the limo and ran after him.

She didn't care that it was raining and her hair was a mess, she needed to find him and tell him the truth.

"Chuck" she called out as he turned around to look at her. Noticing his frown turn into a surprised look on his face and into an overwhelming smile, she knew it was right.

"I was wrong" she uttered moving her hand up to show him the ring, before she clenched it he grabbed her hand to look at it better. Feeling her fingers bitterly cold he held onto her hand tightly as she grabbed his just as tightly.

Looking back up at her she did nothing but smile at him before he pulled her in to kiss him.


End file.
